I was struggling with what to write this morning for a post. I have had a lot of things going on the past few weeks and in particular, this week. I have been working through starting my business with marketing and meetings and updates and reflections. I have debated what capacity to find work and how to not fall into the same trap I have before of working to the bone. Mostly, I was reflecting extensively on finding my place now that I am back home, still being plagued with the same worries, thoughts and stresses.
It seems I am so inwardly focused that I am lost among the weeds. I am pulled in so many directions and thoughts, many conflicting, have driven me to a sense of confusion. They say when you have opposing desires, you will suffer from internal conflict. Such as, I want to work to make money and save for retirement but I also want to enjoy free time to be social, do activities outside and be with family. You can’t have both and it seems acceptance is a key solution that I am finding hard to implement. In Buddhism, some suffering comes from attachment and a lack of acceptance. We can’t let go so we suffer. Although this is a different religion than Christianity, I believe it shares a similar construct.
I have posted about this before, but suffering is in Christianity. All we have to do is look at the cross. More personally, we give up to go up. We die to ourselves to live for God. “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what good will it do a person if he gains the whole world, but forfeits his soul? Or what will a person give in exchange for his soul?” (Matthew 16:25-26) If we try to save our life by living for ourselves, we will become spiritually bankrupt. The more we hand over to God, the more we actually become free. I have ad continue to make the mistake of believing the world can satisfy. The stresses I have can be alleviated with getting more money, having more friends, having more free time. While those things are a part of life and have their place, none can do what God can do. None can give me what I need, which is the full trust that Jesus is Lord of my life.
I’m finding it more and more true; when you make it about you, you lose. When you do things so you can feel better, get ahead, gain material wealth, etc, you can’t be satiated. There is only one thing that can satisfy and that is God. This is possibly the hardest thing as a Christian. Letting go of any ideas and aspirations for the life you want or expected and to accept God’s plan over your own. If you struggle with this as I do, I pray for grace, humility and trust to gain the freedom only God can give.
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