I’ve been struggling recently with my ego. That part of me that says I’m better than others. That voice that judges. The view that sees others as less than. It’s one of my strongest character traits and like many, it’s a double edged sword. It allows me to push myself and keep my standards high but it also gives me contempt for others and makes me judgemental.
I wonder where this comes from. I think I use my background if high standards as a justification, noting that my standards are often higher than others. So that makes me a better person. And isn’t this true? If you hold yourself to a higher standard, isn’t that just setting up a heirarchy and following that? Seems like a cop out despite its validity. What if I saw this as not better but just different. Not better standards but different.
I think it’s also hard to not feed into my ego when I see the results. I’m a very pragmatic person and goal oriented so when I see my high standards are giving me the results I want, it is a positive feedback loop. Likewise, when I see standards that are different than mine not giving results I want when mine are, how can I not see that as better? Well, maybe they are better. But better for me, not better generally.
That’s also where the judgement comes in. Comparing myself to others, I feel when things are not done up to my standards it breeds judgement. There’s a saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” So it’s hard to not judge others when I use my standards. How can I not judge others? This has been a question of mine for years.
So I’ll continue to pray about this. I’m sure it’s one of my many crosses to bear. The dichotomy of my driven egocentric personality. What more can I do but pray?
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