These past few weeks I have noticed myself becoming more cynical and angry with work. I wanted to share because I feel many folks out there struggle with cynicism. It’s easy to justify the wrongs, focus on the negative, and be angry. This isn’t the first time I have felt this way and certainly won’t be the last; I feel it’s one of my many crosses to bear in this life. I’m going to keep praying and meditating on it and I know I will get better in dealing with it and having more grace.
In short, I find myself getting exhausted in dealing with people and their lack of motivation and general self care regarding their health. I see many of their reasons as poor excuses to not try and it makes me angry with them and worse, people in general. I think “No one gives a damn. They would rather swim in their self pity and justify their miserable existence because that is easier than putting forth the effort to get better.” Sometimes, I feel people would rather hurt and suffer because in some twisted way, it feels good. Maybe it brings attention. Maybe they can continue to play the victim. In any case, I feel frustrated in these situations and then I wonder why I care so much.
I had a few ideas and thoughts while I was reflecting on this recently. One, what is God trying to teach me? It’s a question I have to remind myself often, which I even more frequently fail to do, that helps me in taking the power and control out of my hands and give it to God. I think the answers lies in me being more compassionate, which is at odds with my personal philosophy to push, to strive, to not take the easy way out, to take personal responsibility for one’s own situation. Like I said before, this isn’t the first time I have experienced this. In other settings and other populations, I have gotten burnt out in this struggle and that means the common denominator is me. Lucky for me, if I’m the main reason for the problem, I can do something about it.
The other thought I had is why am I letting my brain extrapolate this to the greater population and seeing things in such a negative light? I’m letting the devil in and giving him a foothold in my mind and heart to be angry, blaming, indifferent and uncompassionate. I’m letting the negative in and giving it control. This is an opportunity to pray. To ask Jesus to come into my heart and change me. To plant his seed of love in the garden of my heart so bitterness can’t take root. Now, this is not easy, but it is possible. It’s another opportunity to give up control and give my problem to God.
I know I will be working on this for a long time, because my feelings and personality are ingrained with a mindset that is contrary to what I am being asked to do and be. As I said in the last post, being thankful for the trial is a good first step. It’s difficult to be grateful and angry. I know God will be with me in the fire.
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