We had just come back from visiting family for the holidays and were ready to unwind. I know it seems silly to need a vacation from a vacation, but seeing the extended family definitely took some energy. Not them in particular, but the travel with the time change, the change of sleep schedule and eating habits, the lack routine all sapped my mental and emotional energy. We also we’re as physically active, so I felt a big sluggish returning home. On the flight back, I started scheming my next two days off, which I wanted to rest but also saw as an opportunity to get things done. I made a mental list, which quickly became too extensive to remember and organize, so naturally, I went to my phone and made a list. What else would a control freak do that is distracted by optimization and efficiency?
So I had my list, set to go. I was going to sleep in on Sunday, but after feeling rested, I was ready to tackle the day! (The insanity of looking forward to recharging my battery only to immediately deplete it…) I should back up a little and mention I went to church in the evening after we got back and had run some errands. I felt ahead of schedule, slashing things off the to do list. Then mid-way through mass, I hit a mental wall. I fell asleep! That should have been my first ah-ha moment; I should take a break. God often hits me over the head with the proverbial 2×4, but unfortunately He also made me hard headed. So I recognized being tired was a sign to take the evening off. No matter! I’ll just pick up tomorrow morning!
Much to my surprise, we ran into car trouble. My wife had a near empty tank of gas and her car wouldn’t start. I knew about the latter problem the night before and had already factored it into the days work. We barely made it to the gas station but my mind was already doing the math and thinking, “There’s no way we can go outside and play when it will take time to fix the car, and meal prep, and…” I was still trying to control the day when it was clear the control was gone. And how often do we all do this? I am guilty of it every day; it’s like a second job! And how exhausted and frustrated do we get when the more we try to control, the less we’re actually in control? Yet here I was, ruining the mood for my wife, who had decided we should go outside, in thinking I was in control.
I have yet to learn exactly how to rewire this part of my brain, this part of me. It’s not that it’s a bad thing to make a schedule, stick to it, and be organized and efficient. It’s when things aren’t going like planned and we grasp at anything possible to remain in control. God is asking us to let go. He’s asking us to step aside and instead of saying “I got this.” we can say, “Lord, I offer this to you. I trust you.” We need to be humble, which is hard. We need to extinguish any pride burning in us. We just need to take a breath and say “You. Got. This.”
So I prayed, I said “I give up. Help me to let go.” I focused on enjoying time with my wife and not how to fix the car. I focused on the green and damp forest around me. I still thought of my list but I was putting up a fight. And that’s all God is asking. We don’t need to be perfect. We just need to ask for help. To relinquish control. He’s got this. You don’t got this. I pray that we all have more opportunities to let go. More times to say “Help me.” More times to offer our cares and worries in exchange for peace. The peace which surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)
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