I recently got back from my honeymoon last week and I had quite a wake up call. Everyone who walks a Camino says what a life changing experience it is. When I hear that I think of an a-ha moment, a feeling of revelation. I think of a this positive experience where you become a new person with a new mind and a different direction in life. Well, I didn’t feel that. I also don’t know what I got from it quite yet. I’m still making sense of it.
Overall, I enjoyed the trip but the first week was miserable. I regretted coming on the trip, I had growing anger and frustration towards my wife, and even had doubts about my marriage. What a honeymoon! It was a combination of unrealized expectations, extensive time spent in silence in my own head, and too much time spent with my partner without relief. In my mind, a honeymoon was a time for relaxation and fun activities with your new life partner. A time to really appreciate embarking on a life changing event. I wondered, did others feel this or was everyone’s honeymoon just full or sunshine and roses? The more we walked, the more I kept listening to the voices in my head saying I made a mistake in marrying my partner, the problem was me, I didn’t have anything to offer, and so on. A downward spiral of blame, self-pity, anxiety, and stress.
It did get better. Once my wife admitted I needed to make some changes to my pack (sending things back home to lighten the load), adjusting our itinerary, and refocusing the purpose of our honeymoon. Over the next two weeks, we spent more time enjoying the towns we passed through, striking a better balance with the hiking. However, the voices continued. And to some degree, they are still there, just not as loud. So I guess I had an identity crisis. I had the pillars of what allow me to operate as a human being broken down. I questioned my relationship, my hobbies, my passions. I’m asking for help from God to put those things back together, leaving what I don’t need behind. I kept thinking of a quote I love and now appreciate even more. “Sometimes, you have to cut a little piece of yourself off, no matter how much it hurts. In order to grow, in order to move on.”
When I got back to the US, I read my morning devotion and it talked about continual transformation. Which I laughed at, because it was the beginning of an understanding that growing is a process, one that never ends. “Your soul is the eternal part of you…it is the essence of who you are…Therefore do not be discouraged by the defects you see in yourself. Instead, remember that you are continually being transformed into My image.” I am still working through this. I think this is something that happens to everyone and acceptance is going to be the hardest part. Accepting ourselves and our frailty. Accepting imperfection. Accepting grace. And having the humility to ask for that grace. It is the lifelong uphill journey.
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