This week I wanted to share my thoughts on a few things for Lent, since there wasn’t a talk this past Tuesday. In an earlier posting, I had shared one of my Lenten goals was to meditate 5 minutes a day, reflecting on my journey as a Christian but also focusing on things that were troubling me, thoughts I had, ideas about myself as a person, etc. It has been going well overall, finding some clarity in certain aspects of my life while others I am still confused or troubled. In the actual act of meditation, I find myself just settling in when the timer goes off and I have to snap back into reality. So maybe in the future, I can increase the time. I have also found that my fatigue impacts my ability to settle in without falling asleep; it’s a fine line.
Much of Lent is focused on change, improving our spiritual lives through action, prayer, and sacrifice. The idea is to draw closer to God. I have found that some days I do feel closer, like I understand myself a little more so I am less distracted spiritually. I am less angry and annoyed with people and myself. I feel more awake and focused on the important things and more in tune with my body and mind. Other days, I feel tired, stressed, anxious, fearful, and irritable. Just tired of trying, doing, living this calling as a Christian. It’s no joke; it’s a huge undertaking if taken seriously. We really have to give up everything for God, something that feels impossible. Give up control, aspirations, desires and plans. And that leads to a lot of the above, but my hope is that one day I will not feel the stress because I have accepted God’s will over mine, not the other way around. In the words of Paul, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Rom 12:1-2)
Most recently, I have begun entertaining the thought of being more accepting and willing. Since I am so tired of stress, what is the antidote? What would I need to do to be less stressed? Which begs the next question, where is my stress coming from? Much of it, I believe, comes from being disagreeable. Not getting my way and getting annoyed and frustrated, which is normal. This issue is that this is chronic, so it leads to stress, which poisons all areas of my life. So what can I do? I have been praying and meditating on this. Trying to identify little opportunities for change, saying yes when I want to say no. Acting in accord with others instead of against them. Thinking of the other instead of me. Basically, selflessness.
I am still trying to find that line. The line where I don’t feel taken advantage of or run over. The balance of knowing when to take care of me versus the other. It’s not black and white, which makes it challenging. But pray and grace will get me through. Being a Christian, I am finding out, is a lifelong struggle and opportunity. We need to constantly be working towards God. We can.
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