I wanted to open this week with a chance to be vulnerable: I’m still struggling with surrender. Still figuring things out. There’s been a lot on my mind and I find myself asking questions. What do You want me to do? If that’s true, what does this mean for “x” personality trait? How am I supposed to change that? I have been keeping up with my meditation practice, which has been nice but usually not long enough. I’m happy I’m consistent. But I’m coming to terms with the fact that this change that is happening is extremely uncomfortable, emotional, though-provoking, and sometimes downright confusing. For a person who desires more black and white, straightforward and detailed plans, this is not something that is coming easy to me.
I attended the first weekly talk this past Tuesday. It was a discussion on the homeless and how we can use our views and biases towards them to not only help but also engage in a reconciliation. The speaker described this idea as a coming together, recognizing that we are all worthy of God’s love, having dignity. He went on to explain that sometimes when we can’t separate the behavior from the human displaying the behavior, we are opening the door for the opposite of reconciliation; a separation. Separation from God and others. He tied in those who have suffered from instability in the past to the feeling if disgust with the homeless population, that we are reviving old trauma of times we experienced instability. I have never been close to homeless but I have felt unstable in my life. However, this doesn’t impact my view on the homeless. I don’t see them in disgust. I more see them as hurting but with a multifactorial cause and therefore solution. I also assign my personal philosophy of personal responsibility; what part did the play in their current situation?
I can go down the rabbit hole of my personal philosophies in life but I’ll spare the novel. In short, I’m coming to uncovering how unsympathetic I am. How harsh I am. All my deficits. As I understand more, I ask questions like I mentioned before. In the words of Jordan Peterson, “what insufficiencies do I let burn off like dead wood?” What do I burn and how long does it burn for? What do I keep? What will be left? Much of this is rooted in fear. If what I have known about myself to this point is being questioned, what am I becoming instead? How painful is that going to be?
What more can I close with than this line from Psalms. “Remember you compassion and love, O Lord; for they are ages old. Remember no more the sins of my youth, remember me only in the light of Your love.” (Ps 25:6-7)
Leave a Reply