I am going to be sharing thoughts reflections and experiences from my Lenten journey this year. I think it will serve as a wonderful opportunity to be vulnerable and also strengthen the community we have, knowing we are fighting a lot of the same spiritual battles. I plan on attending weekly lectures at my church, with various themes throughout the season, and my hope it to bring some of what I hear and learn to this blog. As an aside, my father is attending a similar series in his hometown so I will also be discussing thoughts and feeling with him, which I hope will deepen our relationship. Overall, my intention is to be more reflective and concentrated on the work God is doing in me this Lent. This week, I’d like to share a touching sermon I heard that will set the stage for the next 40 days.
I had the chance to explain Lent to a co-worker. To my surprise, she seemed unaware of the whole thing, thinking I had some mark on my forehead that evaded my attention (Ash Wednesday). I said it was a period of 40 days leading up to Easter for reflection and conversion, focused on prayer, fasting and almsgiving. I briefly explained each and she thanked me. But after hearing this sermon yesterday, I think its an opportunity for change and new insight on our identity as a Christian. The gospel from yesterday was the story of Jesus fasting in the desert for 40 days and being tempted by the devil. For those unaware, the 3 temptations are turning stone to bread, material goods, throwing Himself from a high point, testing God, and bowing to Satan, seeking power and the self above God. I won’t share the whole sermon but various aspects that were hitting home for me, really identifying my insufficiencies.
“In our hunger, we tire of waiting for God. We have power to convert stones into bread, but what kind of bread can we make from stones? We find a bitter harshness, a cold rigidity, a dreary loneliness. Living in God’s Word is the greatest nourishment. We hunger for bread from the finest wheat. Fresh out of the oven…Can we trust God to wait for the bread?” I felt a deep lament over the words, knowing that in recent months, I have felt this bitterness and loneliness, being angry, frustrated, and tired. I have tired in waiting for God, losing my faith in trust in Him and speaking the fateful words “I got this.” I have taken things into my own hands instead of giving things over to Him. In doing so, I have become tired bitter and resentful. I’m exhausted. I’m annoyed at little things that shouldn’t bother me but they do. It builds and builds and I question what’s happening to me. I’m not trusting.
“How many times to we try to force God to do thing things we want through our own ego and self-centeredness? How do we misuse our gifts for an inflated sense of ourselves that really comes from a deep-seated insecurity? We try to hide our deficits and unhappiness by covering them up with a sham self-identify to hide our vulnerability. We become alienated from ourselves. We no longer know wo we are.” My ego…what a blunder. What a deep-seeded, ingrained flaw. I rely on me and I have for years, with false feedback that my way is the best, I know best, and I can do it all. It is so hard to unlearn and relearn the truth. I find myself questioning who I am. If I am not a productive, self-sufficient, driven, industrious person, than who am I? What have I been doing? Where do I go? If I don’t know who I am, then where do I start? What is the beginning? The questions make me uneasy to say the least.
“The great deceiver shows us power, riches and fame. All the world is ours if we but bow down and worship him. But these kingdoms, their wealth and power are not his to give.” I seek so much wealth and comfort out of greed, fear, insecurity, and, you guessed it, lack of faith. I’m afraid of not having enough and needing more to be comfortable without having to work as hard. I’m afraid of not having the life I want despite working so hard for it. I’m anxious about my expectations being lofty and unrealistic. “Christ who is like us in all things except sin, was tempted just as we are. he chose faith and powerlessness, hope and suffering, love and rejection. He trusted.”
God help me trust. Be with me this Lent. Help me become a new person in Christ.
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